The Onion’s top stories from the past 4.5 billion years

Dec 31, 2009
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Evolution’s going great, reports trilobite. Woman domesticated. Industrial revolution provides millions of out-of-work children with jobs. Burn your history textbooks, boys and girls, America's finest news source sums up the most significant headlines from the Big Bang forward. The Onion's Joe Garden fills you in on all the stories you were too busy clubbing mastodons to read.

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