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ADHD: An Honest List of Fears & Confessions

Nov 17, 2014

writing1.
I fear that my legacy

will be an unfinished poem.

like the ones that fill my notebook;

I don’t want to look back

and see that I could’ve been so much more than I turned out to be.

 

2.
My life is a series

of almost’s.

I fear that I will

never know

that I will not

be able to

stay around

long enough

to even become

good enough

to be great,

at anything.

 

3.
I often feel like

I

do

not

Like a concert in a library,

a red dress at a funeral

I am a magnet for wide eyed looks.

I have learned

that people

will not always

tell you

when your

defect is showing,

But their eyes will.

brows raised in confusion;

it is more polite to say

you are ‘one of a kind’

than to try understanding why.

They will say

you are ‘unique.’

Claim variety is

the spice of life,

laugh it off,

and dismiss

the moment

because it

feels too much

like a turtle neck

in the Summertime.

These compliments

will always feel more like

 

4.

I am in a perpetual state

of barely getting by.

of trying

to catch up.

ironic

that someone so

‘full-speed ahead’

can so easily

get left behind.

 

5.
When people tell me I am amazing

I

do

not

believe

I smile, give thanks

and hope not to be discovered.

I am a fraud.

If only they knew,

that my accomplishments

feel a lot more like accidents.

As if the universe

sometimes

makes mistakes

Like a glitch

in the solar system;

a data error.

Someone, somewhere,

must have spelled

my name wrong.

I hope no one notices.

 

6.
The best of intentions

with the worst execution.

I am what happens

when a brilliant idea

meets a terrible mistake.

 

7.
My life must look

a lot like the fourth of July.

upon arrival,

I light

the sky bright, loud,

and temporary.

I am a beautiful explosion,

but only for a moment.

a pyrotechnic poet;

a short lived spectacle.

I have always

wished I was

more fireplace

than than

 

8.

I have a love-hate

relationship

with a pill bottle.

I am now

at 60mg

of Adderall

a day.

 

When I don’t take it,

I feel useless.

 

When I do,

the drymouth plagues me

and I am less myself,

but maybe that is a good thing.

 

people say they

see the difference.

say I am more pleasant

and agreeable.

 

Sometimes I wonder

if I am medicated

to make everyone

else’s life easier.

 

9.

I wish my life were easier.

wish I wasn’t such a problem.

such a series of unfortunate events.

There are only so many apologies you get,

until “I’m sorry” is no longer enough

 

1280px-Fireworks_Makó_01


Copyright © Angela Aguirre
Fireworks by Burrows (Own work), CC-BY-SA-3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

~~~

Angela Aguirre:

I was born a poet. As I have moved along this journey I have discovered that I am a teacher by nature. Not by credential or degree, but by birthright. I have the natural ability to not only see the poems in my students, but more valuable I think, is the ability I have to persuade them into releasing them out into the world. With that said, if I am to release an extension of myself out into the universe- even if it doesn’t make it out of this city, I want it to reflect me and my spirit. I want it to reflect the very visual and interactive ways I live, create, and teach.

So, for the teenage students in my poetry classes, I plan to create an interactive book of poetry. I say interactive, because after every couple poems; I plan to create writing prompts and provide blank journal pages for the reader to fill in. I want this to be as much about the reader’s growth as a writer as it is about mine. Confessions of a Firework will be a combination of poems, prose, and prompts. It will be as consistent as my ADHD brain allows it to be, and it might not make any sense, but I’m prepared for that, and I plan to embrace it anyway. I know that if nothing else, it will be honest. And that has always been the kind work I am most proud of. As a teacher, I plan to use it in the after-school classes I teach. As an employee of the Pasadena Unified School District, I plan to make it available for free (both in print and online) to teachers and students of all grades and subjects. First throughout the district, and then throughout the country.

Angela Aguirre

 




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